Disclaimer the First: This post contains spoilers for The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please feel free to leave the page. The post will still be here after you've seen the film, happily awaiting your return.
Disclaimer the Second: I went to see this on 26 April with the intention of writing up the Review (of sorts) the next day, but I ended up watching episode five of Moon Knight before writing it, and that episode fucking derailed my soul... So I apologise if I misremember anything.
As a note, I am not a fan of Nick Cage. I think that is important to mention, considering the nature of this film... I went to see it partially because it looked like it'd be some good stupid humour (and I wasn't actually disappointed on that front) and partially because of Pedro Pascal.
It is stupid, hilarious, and mediocre all at the same time.
Nick Cage is playing a version of himself who is a washed up actor trying to find his next big role in order to remain relevant. He's recently divorced and has been living in a ritzy hotel for the last year from which he has apparently accrued a significant amount of debt that he doesn't really have the funds to pay off because he can't seem to land a gig. His agent, Richard Fink (played by the fabulous Neil Patrick Harris), tells him of an offer that would pay him one million dollars just for showing up at a birthday party. Nick initially declines, but after being turned down for a role he was seeking (one of those 'once in a lifetime' roles, apparently), getting drunk and making a fool of himself at his daughter's sixteenth birthday party, and getting locked out of his hotel room (assumingly because the hotel wants the 600 grand he owes them), he decides maybe it wouldn't be so bad to take the job.
So off to Majorca he goes to meet Javi Gutierrez.
Now, the film started out with a scene with a girl, Maria, and a guy watching some Nick Cage film that I don't remember, but their fun is interrupted by a group of masked guys busting in, I think killing the guy, and kidnapping Maria. Maria is the daughter of a politician who is vocally against the arms cartels. There are two CIA agents, Vivian and Martin, who are on the island trying to find an rescue Maria before her father gets blackmailed into dropping out of an election.
They are under the impression that Javi is the head of an arms cartel and that he's the one who had Maria kidnapped. Nick catches Vivian's attention when he lands via Javi's plane, so she decides to do the ridiculously unprofessional thing and enlists him to attempt to help locate Maria, as she believes that she's being held somewhere in Javi's compound.
Javi, for his part, is (for whatever reason) a huge fan of Nick Cage, so he's just wandering about being chuffed as hell that he's visiting and will be attending his birthday party. It turns out that he'd sent along a script for Nick to read when he gave the invite to Fink, but whether because Nick was planning to retire, or because Fink has no regard for the hard work of others (either of which would fit with his character, I think), he never gave the script to Nick to read. When Javi brings it up, though, Nick is all down with reading it.
It is while he's in town, drinking and reading the script on his phone, that he got accosted by Vivian and her partner, enlisting him in their attempts to rescue Maria.
Anywho, Nick isn't able to locate the girl before the party, so Vivian insists that he figure out a reason to extend his visit with Javi. After Javi gives a speech, wherein he thanks Nick for bringing him and his father together via one of his films that they both liked, Nick goes on to say that he loved Javi's script, but that he doesn't want to act for it. Instead, he says, he'd like to co-write a new script with him, and this idea seems to suit Javi just fine.
There's a kinda sus building on Javi's property that's locked, and Vivian thinks Maria might be there, but Nick was caught by Javi while trying to investigate it. Javi, not actually suspecting anything amiss, just offers Nick some LSD... to get the creative juices flowing. So, both of them high as fuck on acid, decide to take a trip into town and work on their script.
Y'all, I really wish I could remember all the hilarity that ensued, but I was too busy laughing my ass off for any of it to actually stick in my brain at the time, much less two weeks later (which is when I'm typing this).
I do remember that at one point Nick makes a fairly innocent comment about people watching them, and Javi gets paranoid. There are a couple of people on a bench nearby who are paying neither of them any attention, but now Nick is getting paranoid, too, and they determine that those innocent bystanders on the bench are, in fact, watching them. So they do their best to get away without seeming like they're trying to get away... which only fucking worked because the people on the bench weren't watching them in the first place.
At one point, while running away, the come up against what appears to be a dead end, as their path is blocked by a stone wall. Javi helps Nick get up to the top of the wall, but Nick isn't able to pull Javi up behind him. They argue a bit about whether Nick is going to leave Javi behind, and in the end Javi insists, so they say a short, heartfelt goodbye before Nick basically falls over the backside of the wall.
And then Javi manages to find the way around the wall, because it wasn't a dead end in the first place.
After 'escaping' their imagined pursuers, the pair of them manage to get back to Javi's place... somehow.
At some point Nick ends back up at the sus building, and Javi catches him again. This time, though, he notes that Nick really wants to go in and somewhat reluctantly offers to allow him to see it, even though he is nervous that doing so will change Nick's perception of him. Nick, still partially convinced that Javi is keeping Maria in there because Vivian keeps pushing that point, tries to brace himself for whatever he's about to see.
... And all it is is Javi's ridiculous collection of Nick Cage memorabilia, including the statue of Nick with the pair of golden guns.
I must apologise, because I don't remember exactly how this next bit came about, but Javi actually flies Olivia, Nick's ex-wife, and Addy, his daughter, out to his home so that they and Nick can have a talk and try and get over whatever hurdles there are that are dividing their relationships. Nick, who by this point has been convinced that Javi is on to him, assumes that Javi has flown them out has leverage...
But during the talk between Addy and Nick, Javi gets another visitor and has to leave to go greet him. Enter Lucas Gutierrez, Javi's cousin:
The first time we actually meet Lucas was shortly after Nick's arrival, during the pool scene. I could tell then that he was going to be the big baddie from that point, both because he generally came across as an arse and because, I mean... look at him.
I was right, too. Turns out, Javi is a scapegoat. He really is just a big squish who wants to live his best life, but he also understands that that comes at the cost of everyone thinking he's the head of his family's arms cartel. Thing is, it isn't him. It's Lucas. And Lucas is pissed off, because he's found out that Nick Cage, his cousin's guest staying in his cousin's house, is working with the CIA.
So he does what douche bags in his position generally do: he gives Javi a choice. Either Javi kills Nick Cage or Lucas will kill Javi. So now Javi, faced with the prospect of having to murder his idol to keep himself breathing, is having one of the biggests sads a person can have.
And now we have a ridiculous conflict set-up: Nick Cage, still under the impression that Javi is some sort of dangerous murder-y lunatic, is worried that he's going to get killed, and Javi is now under the impression that Nick Cage is actually an operative for the CIA and is going to kill him.
Javi, trying to pretend that everything is okay and normal, invites Nick out for a drive to discuss the script. Nick, trying to pretend that everything is okay and normal, takes him up on the offer. They have a very awkward ride, which includes the pair of them trading shoes, and then they go off to pretend like they're actually going to go through with shooting the other, which, of course, doesn't happen.
Lucas apparently saw this coming, as he sends his men out to just shoot both of them, but they make their getaway.
Then it comes out that Addy has been kidnapped. Oh, noes! Nick seeks the help of the CIA agents, but when he gets to their hideout he finds out that they've been murdered by Lucas' men.
Well, shit. Nick Cage, washed up actor, has no one but his (understandably) grumpy ex-wife, a walking teddy bear, and said teddy bear's really capable PA to help him. So, of course, he chooses the most logical route and goes to the local authorities to get assistance retrieving his daughter, right?
Right?
Wrong.
Nick and co decide to sneak into Lucas' compound and rescue Addy themselves. Which, amazingly enough, actually fucking works! And, bonus, they rescue Maria, too, as Nick finally found her, yay!
So they all get to live happily ever after (except Lucas, because fuck him). Nick gets his family back, including his ex-wife (it's implied), Javi gets his film made, Nick gets his next big role by being himself in the film based on 'true' events about himself which he helped write... And Javi also got his girl, who was his really capable PA all along. Awwe...
Nick cage technically plays two roles in this film, and I'm about to talk about the second one: Nicky Cage. Nicky is basically a hallucination Nick keeps having, a visage of his younger self that is what I can only assume to be the essence of his ego as an actor (and, according to Wikipedia, his look is based off an appearance on a talk show during the promotion of Wild at Heart).
No lie, he's a dick to Nick, which is pretty meta. The scenes with him are generally weird in the first place, but the weirdest one is that which, if I recall correctly, that screenshot of him comes from. He's yelling at Nick for being down on himself, and decides the best course of action is to... forcefully make out with him. Like, seriously... This film has Nick Cage having a younger version of himself force his tongue down his throat. But! OMG, BUT THEN HE LEANS INTO IT!
It was uncomfortable, to say the least.
All in all, though, this film comes across as both a hugely self-depreciating knock against Nick Cage, yet a massive pat on the back for Nick Cage by Nick Cage. It has it's funny bits, and those bits just about had me rolling, but it still manages to be mediocre at best.
I give it a 6/10.
As a reminder, and so your last image from this post isn't Nicky Cage, I went to see this film because I figured it would deliver on some good stupid humour (which it did), but also for this guy:
And that guy made it worth it.
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